Espada of Loneliness
by MegaKiraraLover
Summary: Coyote Starrk often wondered how he went from being a lupine Prince to being a Hollow tool. Then he remembered... oneshot


Espada of Loneliness

Summary: Coyote Starrk often wondered how he went from being a lupine Prince to being a Hollow tool. Then he remembered how he felt when he had lost the only one outside of his pack that he had ever truly loved... Pre-Soul Society Arc, Post-Naraku's Defeat, partial AU (follows IY storyline to Mnt. Hakurei then diverges slightly; follows manga)

Pairings: Canon (including one-sided), I.E. Slight/OneSidedKogaKagome, AND OTHERS if needed.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or InuYasha. If I owned Bleach, Gin wouldn't have left Rangiku behind when he deserted Soul Society, Hollow Ichigo would totally be less mindless as the series went on, and the Arrancar wouldn't have been necessarily, inharently evil. If I owned InuYasha, the anime would have followed the manga better, Sesshomaru would have joined the group permidently, and Koga would have ended up with Kagome. Go away now while I mourn these horrible losses.

T.T

_**Missing the Miko**_

Many viewed Coyote Starrk as a lazy Arrancar who had no business being in Aizen-sama's ranks, let alone being Primera Espada. The hybrid himself completely agreed with the second part of that statement, but most certainly not the first. Starrk wasn't lazy in the least, despite how the number of naps he took said otherwise. Starrk was just faintly obsessed with the past.

Five hundred years in the past, to be specific.

For many other Arrancar, this wasn't an odd thing. Every Hollow had the urge to remain seeped in their past, which was why they often sought out those they were close to in life when first being formed. But the difference between Starrk and nearly every other Hollow was that, after a few years, they generally forgot what had happened in their lives. They were more than happy to leave the past behind after a point.

Starrk, on the other hand, refused to forget his past.

There was a reason he was called the Espada of Loneliness, Starrk mused absently one day when Lillynette retreated into her Zanpaku-To form and he was left alone to lounge in his room. In his past, he had obsessed over one woman so much that he no longer cared about anything else in life. That woman had been so important..._his_ woman had been so important...

_"Please, don't fight," the beautiful blue-eyed, black-haired maiden said with both exhasperation and desperation in her tone. And had it been anyone else but her, he would have ignored that request, but since it was her that aske_

"Stop it," chided Starrk aloud, growling lightly as he shoved the memory aside. "There's no point to dwelling in the past."

Every time he found himself drifting towards a short rest that always delved into his memories, Starrk made this same point. It never actually worked.

A frustrated sigh escaped Starrk and he shook his head, closing his faded blue eyes. Soon enough, he drifted off into another memory:

_The familiar voice of his woman called out his name, frantic to his ultra-sensative ears. Every bit of him hurt, and he felt like he was being slowly crushed under the weight of-something. Then that something was yanked off of him, and again his woman called out, sounding like she was going to cry._

_Somehow, her voice gave him the strength to open his eyes a fraction, her features blending together under his pain-blurred eyes._

_"Damn it..." he growled lightly, well aware that his voice sounded hoarser and more demonic in his pain. "I let one...get away..."_

_His beautiful woman looked so relieved, and it was with a sense of contentment at relieving her worry-her worry over _him_-that he faded back into unconscio_

Starrk's eyes snapped open again and he groaned.

"This is all your fault," he muttered with a glare at the Zanpaku-To at his waist. "I always remember more when you're in there."

Within their mind, Lillynette snorted lightly in amusement, but otherwise didn't respond.

Starrk groaned again and threw his hand over his eyes, closing them for an instant. "This is just not my day..."

-.-;

Almost an hour later, Starrk found himself wandering the roads of the Human Realm aimlessly, trusting Lillynette to keep their reishi down to a low, untracable level. His gaze wandered around from building to building, silently marveling at the change in architecture over the years since he had been alive and bitterly wondering why his woman had to disappear when she did.

_"Please, don't go," he pleaded, his voice broken as much as it had been the day nearly his whole pack had been ruthlessly slaughtered. Before him, his woman smiled sadly, clearly reluctant yet resigned._

_"I have to," she whispered, shaking her head. He could see the tears gathering in her clear bright blue eyes and his chest ached patheticly. "I need to go back to where I came from. It's...the only place I know the Jewel will be safe-"_

_"Forget about the damn Jewel!" A startled gaze turned to him and he gazed back, heartbroken. His woman just couldn't leave for such a stupid reason! "Do something for _yourself_ for once instead of for everyone else's _stupid_ expectations of you! Why the hell can't you decide your own destiny? !"_

_A faint, almost bitter smile turned up his woman's eternally-soft lips and his heart tore._

_"If only it were that simple," she said quietly. Her voice was wistful, and for that moment, he knew that she would stay if she could. But...but...there was always that eternal 'but'... "But I can't." She took a single step backwards, her eyes suddenly hopeful as they refused to leave his. "We'll meet again. Right here, on this spot. Maybe-maybe not for years and years to come...but I promise, one day, when it's safe and the threat of someone taking the Jewel is gone, we'll meet here. Just-just don't give up, okay? Even if it seems like I'm gone...keep coming. I'll be here." Suddenly, his woman turned on her heel, a glitter of silvery tears whirling off of her face with the sudden motion. "I promise!"_

_All he could do was nod mutely to her back as his heart ripped itself to shreds and he tried vainly to hope that her words were the tr_

"_Starrk_..." sighed Lillynette within their mind, tearing him from the waking dream of the last time Starrk saw his woman.

"I'm fine," he said without thinking despite the fact that he felt like his heart was tearing itself apart again.

Being part of him, Lillynette wasn't fooled, but she wisely remained silent as Starrk reflected that he was unable to keep the mutual, yet still one-sided promise. Merely two years after his woman had left to her home (damned, dreadful place, stealing her away like that...), he had been killed by being distracted in a battle-ironicly, by thoughts of her on the way to try and see if she was ready to meet him there.

Two years after that, he was turned into a Hollow.

And nearly three hundred years after that, he became an Arrancar on his own-_without_ Aizen's help; actually, most likely it had happened before Aizen had become a Shinigami-and created Lillynette in an effort to ease the ache that had been gnawing away at him for those three centuries of loneliness.

"_Drama Queen_!" Lillynette said jeeringly in their mind. Despite himself, Starrk found a slight smirk twisting his lips at the insult.

"Yeah, I guess I am," he agreed absently. His feet abruptly stopped moving and Starrk blinked, glancing down at them before turning his attention to his surroundings. He was both surprised and faintly amused/exhasperated when he found himself standing next to the huge, ancient tree that marked the spot where his woman had roped him into a promise without his knowledge nor concent.

For a long moment, Starrk merely stared up at the huge tree. Then, irrationality taking home, he half-asked and half-shouted, "Well? I'm here! It's been years and years! That damned Jewel you insist on protecting is safe! I doubt anyone even knows it exists anymore! ! So where the hell are you? ! ?"

Silence answered his statement and Starrk didn't even bother to stiffle his sigh, his half-anger dissipating in moments as he leaned sideways with his shoulder and head against the tree, reaching up and covering part of his face with his gloved hand. He felt like a fool and a jerk for yelling at someone who was probably as dead as he was and likely a Shinigami to boot, unable to be heard by any but the most spiritually aware as it was.

His voice was a broken whisper when he finally spoke. "Kami-sama...I'm such a stupid _fool_."

Starrk closed his eyes.

"...hello?" a voice that was too familiar for comfort said slowly and hesitantly.

Almost instantly, Starrk's eyes snapped open and he pushed off of the tree, whirling around to stare at the one who owned that voice. It was all he could do not to fall over when he recognized the feminine figure standing there.

Clothes that were incredibly indecent in the past, yet accuated her figure nicely none the less...

Skin lightly tanned from wandering for nearly two years without much rest...

Long, wavy black hair, falling in shimmering waves down to her mid-back...

A thin yet heart-shaped face holding features both aristocratic and kind...

Brilliant blue eyes, remaining innocent no matter what happened...

"Kagome?" breathed Starrk before he could stop himself. Those brilliant blue eyes, looking dull and hopeful and aprehensive moments before, lit up with relief and joy. The young woman of approximately twenty suddenly dropped the bags she was holding and was pressed up against his chest in what seemed like an instant, sobs wracking her lithe form as she clutched at Starrk's pristine white jacket and slowly soaked it in her salty tears.

Starrk's arms instinctively wrapped around her even as his mind struggled to comprehend what was happening. Was it...was it possible? Was this-could it really be his woman? His dearest Kagome, alive after five hundred years? (Because, no matter how impossible it seemed, the woman he was holding in his arms couldn't be anything but alive.)

"Oh, Koga!" his Kagome said with more emotions in her voice than he could put to words, continuing to sob patheticly. Starrk's grip on her tightened of its own accord and he couldn't help but burry his face in the hair on top of her head, breathing in her scent. Yes, once he finally got over his shock and sampled both that and her aura, there was no mistaking it; this was most definately his Kagome; his daring, darling miko; his one and only love.

"Koga, y-you came," Kagome managed to say in a slightly hoarse voice as she finally pulled back enough to examine his face, a watery grin in place. Starrk couldn't help but smirk familiarly back, feeling like the eternal hole in his heart was finally beginning to mend just by standing in his woman's presense. "I...I was worried you wouldn't...I-I mean...it's been..."

"Five hundred thirty eight years next month," Starrk supplied before his mind caught up with his mouth. A faint pink dusted his cheekbones and he glanced away awkwardly as his Kagome stared at him in surprise.

"Five hundred...thirty eight...?"

Removing one of his arms from around his miko, Starrk reached up and scratched at his cheek with a slightly pointed nail, gaze resting somewhere above her head. "Er, yeah. Something like that."

A sniff from his Kagome pulled Starrk's faded blue-grey gaze back to her and he felt mildly alarmed when the tears began to fall again. "I'm sorry," she whispered, looking like she wanted to hurt herself badly. "I...that's...such a _long_ time..."

"Not really," Starrk quickly said, trying to staunch the tearfall as swiftly as possible. His Kagome turned wide eyes to his face and he smirked in what he hoped was a reassuring way. "It, ah, wasn't that bad...when I wasn't thinking about you..."

The line was incredibly cheesy, but it was true. What was also cheesy yet true was the fact that the times he didn't think about her were few and far between-once a century, if he was (un)lucky.

They might have been cheesy, but the words incredibly worked; a sad laugh escaped his Kagome and she reached up to wipe at the tears on her face, leaving only her puffy red eyes and slightly splotched skin as evidence that she had cried at all. To Starrk, the sight that would have caused many to cringe only made him appreciate his Kagome's beauty all the more. How could he have nearly forgotten how utterly breathtaking she looked...?

"Yeah," Kagome said softly, gazing at him with eyes that held a familiar, yet unidentifiable emotion. "Me, too."

Starrk tilted his head slightly, confused, but remained silent as his Kagome abruptly shook her head.

"Um." She glanced over her shoulder before turning back to Starrk, appearing faintly embaressed. "I, ah, have to bring those groceries home..."

"Do you need any help?" Starrk immediately offered, grasping at the chance to not lose her again. A graceful smile that literally made Starrk forget to breathe appeared on his Kagome's face.

"If you want," she said almost shyly, finally stepping out of his arms. Starrk's body screamed at the loss of contact and Lillynette began to complain she had left too soon, but the Arrancar ignored both reactions and quickly gathered up the scattered bags.

Ten minutes and many stairs later, Starrk and his Kagome were sitting in the house overlooking the Bone-Eater's Well and the God Tree, Kagome bustling about the kitchen as Starrk watched silently with the odd feeling that he was dreaming. Only Lillynette's near-nonstop assurances and the occasional pinch of his arm reminded him that he was awake and finally with his Kagome once more.

A teacup was placed in front of Starrk and he nodded thanks to his Kagome, who smiled familiarly before taking her own and sitting across the table from him. He allowed her to stare at him as he took a sip of the soothing drink, so much better than any Aizen had ever made, and pretended to be observing the nice-sized area they were in. It was much more spacious than most Japanese homes, he had to admit, and he did enjoy it a lot.

"You look different," Kagome noted suddenly, causing Starrk's attention to instantly return to her (like it had left in the first place...). She seemed both sad and confused by this revelation and a soft sigh escaped Starrk. He was more than aware that becoming a Hollow and then an Arrancar had changed his appearance, from his gaining a few inches to the slight lightening of his hair to the greying of his eyes to the nearly unnoticable thinning of his face, plus his own preferences leading to a shorter hairstyle and the faintest whisps of a goatee, and every day it served to remind him of one startling truth:

"I am different," he replied quietly, gazing rather pointedly into Kagome's unchanged, brilliant blue eyes, nearly the same color as the sky in autumn. He held her gaze for a few moments, ensuring she understood that and saw the aching loneliness that remained forever within him, before breaking away to look down into his tea. "...it's been more than five hundred years, Kagome. Things...happened, and I was...forced to adapt."

"_Mostly against your will_," Lillynette said irritably in their head. Starrk mentally agreed even as he felt his Kagome's eyes continuing to train themselves on him, keeping his own on his tea. The Espada couldn't help but jump in surprise when a slim hand was suddenly on his arm and his gaze darted over to meet his Kagome's, merely inches away from his own.

_'When did she get so close...?'_ he wondered through his shock.

"What things?" his Kagome asked, her expression solomn. For a moment, Starrk hesitated, seeing his own hesitation reflected back at him in her brilliant orbs before he found himself spilling his story. All of it-from his two years of lonely misery to his hopeful treck to the tree to being attacked and killed to turning into a Hollow to turning into an Arrancar to deciding to split with Lillynette so he wouldn't be alone to joining up with Aizen in hopes of finding her Soul to his fears of never seeing her again to the ache of loneliness that just _refused_ to _leave_ no matter how many people he was around...!

Finally, Starrk stopped speaking, feeling oddly liberated. It was the first time he had told his whole story to anyone other than Lillynette (who already knew it anyway), and he wondered if it would be the same if he wove his tale to anyone else. But upon seeing the pain and tears building up in his Kagome's eyes, he suddenly felt like he had done something horribly wrong.

"Kagome?" he delicately querried, reaching towards her slowly. Suddenly, his miko threw herself at him and began to cry into his shoulder, crushing him in a hug almost exactly the same as when the two had been by the familiar tree. Starrk barely had time to catch himself with one arm, using the other to hold Kagome steady so she wouldn't fall, and could only wonder with self-loathing how he managed to make his only love cry so much.

"Oh, Koga," sobbed his Kagome almost exactly the same way she had earlier, when she had seen him again for the first time in over five hundred years. "I-I'm so sorry!"

"_Why_?"

Starrk couldn't help it; he didn't understand how his darling Kagome could be sorry for something that clearly wasn't her fault. In answer to his silent and verbal questions, Kagome yanked her head away so they could look into each other's faces again.

"Because," she managed to say in a somewhat normal voice that just barely shook, "this is all my fault. If-if I hadn't run back to my time without telling you-if I bothered to let you know the truth-if I wasn't so freakin' _selfish_-!"

"Stop," Starrk cut in with his harshest tone of voice. In an instant, his Kagome stopped speaking, looking lost as she examined his face in search of a reason for his abrupt interuption. Starrk carefully softened his voice as he continued, sitting up and gently gathering Kagome into his arms, pulling her into his lap. A bit of careful manuvering ensured her back wasn't resting against either his Hollow Hole or the remains of his Mask while keeping them both comfortable.

"It isn't your fault," said Starrk steadily as his Kagome tilted her head back, eyes wide again. "We both know I was stupidly impulsive and arrogant back then; if those youkai hadn't killed me, something else probably would have, regardless of any thoughts you kept away. Not only that, but just like I said when you left, you were being the exact opposite of 'selfish' when you ran away to protect the Jewel. If you'd have told me back then where you had gone, I would have followed, no matter what. It doesn't matter exactly where or how impossible it was; I wouldn't have stopped until I found a way, and if I found a way, that meant others could have found a way, too. Understand?"

Silence reigned for a long moment as the two simply stared at each other. When his Kagome finally nodded her understanding with a slight smile, Starrk smirked faintly.

"Good. Now, what's this about running back to your 'time'...?"

Almost immediately, Kagome launched into the story of her travels, starting with her first time being yanked into the Well all the way up until the final battle with Naraku. When she had finally finished, twilight had arrived.

"...wow," was Starrk's initial response as he simply stared at his Kagome. Then, feeling a bit of his old self well up, he complained (more like whined), "Was I really that scary when you first met me?"

Kagome merely laughed, shaking her head, and Starrk's breath caught in his throat when her hair brusted against the remains of his Mask. She had the luck to catch his gaze at this time and, for a long moment, neither reacted.

Then suddenly, the smell of cat and candy and strawberries and Soul Reaper and three different reishi attacked Starrk's senses, and he jerked his head up to narrow his eyes at the window. He silently thanked his Kagome when she remained silent even as he tightened his grip protectively.

"I have to go," he breathed into her ear, a slight smile pulling at his lips when his Kagome shuddered slightly. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Promise?" Kagome whispered back, her voice a bit louder than he was comfortable with. In response, Starrk wordlessly pressed his lips to her cheek before setting her down and Sonido-ing out of sight.

:)

MKL: -looks curiously up at fic- hmmm. haven't looked at this in a while.

Starrk: -.- yeah, for three and a half months. meanwhile i was preparing to leave kagome...for nearly two of those three and a half months.

Lilynette: yeah! and then you ignored us for nearly forever! ! why didn't you post this sooner? ! ?

MKL: er...well...this was actually going to be longer...but then i lost inspiration so i just decided to post it as a oneshot... ^.^;;; eheheh?

Stark and Lilynette: ...

MKL: ANYWAY! so like i just said, this was supposed to be much longer, but then i lost my train of thought. i mean, i know where i was going and how and stuff, but it was taking too long and i got bored. that's been happening to me a lot lately...needless to say characters such as starrk and lilynette are not happy about that. luckily they're great guys and forgive me! right?

Starrk: -half asleep- -shrugs slightly- whatever.

Lilynette: -glances at starrk, then smirks demonicly before pulling out sword-

MKL: 0.o;;; EEP! -runs away-

Lilynette: -runs after-

Starrk: -.-; ...right...anyway...so where she was going with this note before lillynette dragged me into it was that there might eventually be more chapters to this, but there also might not. she also encourages you, the readers, to submit your own versions of what you think happens next in either your review or a PM to her, depending on length. it doesn't really matter much to us, but if she likes your idea, it might be posted. just...keep it rated T, please. i don't want to hear your account of how i bed kagome.

Kagome: -shows up just in time to hear last sentence- o.0 -notices MKL being chased by lilynette- 0.0; ...um...what did i miss...?

Starrk: -shrugs- MKL making a fool of herself.

Kagome: -blinks- oh. okay. nothing new then.

Starrk: nope.

Kagome: ...so why don't you want to hear about how much of a sexy beast you are in bed?

Starrk: 0.0;;;;;;;;; ...

MKL: -grins at readers while still fleeing lilynette- don't forget to review!


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